Neko

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There was a girl I remember from middle school who was very pretty, quiet, drew a lot, had a goth or even emo sense of style. She was very stand offish at my attempts to befriend her, she definitely had stuff going on and I did genuinely want to be her friend, but I gave up after a few tries because whatever she had going on was enough to make her have no interest in being friends with other people

I think about her every so often wondering what happened to her, recently she came back to mind because I reconnected with a friend from that same time. This friend was briefly friends with her before she left school and before I became friends with him. Me and him were walking down memory lane about that time because we were both struggling so hard. Neither of us truly knew what the other was dealing with then or before we met. Even now we don't truly know each other's stories from before we met. I met him shortly after he was released from the hospital, he had fresh self harm wounds that I noticed instantly. When I retold this detail he didn't even remember it, both our memories from that time are blurry as the years have passed they fade. From our first meeting we quickly became very close and not long after that I was teaching him witchcraft. We spent time looking at antique stores where he bought us matching chalices, which sadly I now longer have. We made kitsch magic wands in my backyard.

As we remembered these times as hazy as they are, he told me how a lot of his memories from that time involved me, and how important they are to him. It reminded me of a memory I have that from time to time I think of, and is a great what if in my life. There was a time things were getting pretty bad at home, as they often were during my childhood, he offered for me to move in to his home, I had my bag packed and we were in the park in the sun with another friend of ours from that time preparing for how I was going to tell my parents that I was leaving. In the end I didn't do it and I went back to my parents.The stress of leaving at the time felt so overwhelming and like I would be throwing dynamite at my problems and the fallout could've been worse, so I didn't follow through. I think about this from time to time, not just because because of how kind he was to make that offer to me, he wasn't the only one to have offered to take me in at times, especially when some people had taken me in at the times I had been kicked out of the house as a kid, but because I wonder what it if I did go with him. What would my life look like now? Would me and my mom made amends like we did? Would I have forgiven her? Who would I be now?

Thinking about the positive impact me and him have made on each other's lives, mostly in memories, and then remembering that girl, I also wonder if she thinks about the people who tried to be her friend at the time she wasn't able to accept it. I wonder if she appreciates the friendships she had briefly or the people who tried to reach out to her. I would like to hope even in the smallest way I had a positive influence on her memory, if she remembers it at all.