Neko

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This time last year was one of the few periods of my life where I truly experienced what it feels like to be happy, not an elevated or manic mood, not excitement, just being happy. Not for moments, or minutes or hours, but days at a time. There has been so few times in my life where I have actually felt happy and at peace, and like the feeling wasn't going to be stripped away from me at any moment. The type of peace that doesn't indicate a storm is coming. I was finally at a point where life truly felt worth living, the first time in years I had felt that, for the longest stretch of time I have felt it too. Even during my manic episodes I don't actually feel these feelings, I feel elevated, energetic, motivated, indestructable, but not happy, not like life is really worth it. I felt that all my years as a witch, all my spells, all my prayers were finally paying off, it was time to be able to really live.

Earlier this year that was all stripped from me. I had the thing I wanted most, had everything else in my grasp. It was time for me to experience peace, and joy, and to regroup to see what the next chapter of my life was going to look like. Then the thing that made me the most happy in this world was taken from me. It was like all the light from the world had left, like god and the spirits had abandoned me, left me to drown. These past few months have been some of the hardest for me to live through. Last time I was this unhappy I was fifteen years old and cutting myself hoping it would kill me. While I have healthier coping skills now, the feelings are the same, if not worse.

I actually think this might be genuinely worse. I don't know if to most people would consider what I am about to say is worse than trying to kill yourself, but for me it is more extreme. Everyday I beg god and the spirits to give me it back, I light candles and pray, I give offerings, I make pilmigrages to sacred sites to pray. Every passing day that I am without, I question whether or not being a witch, and continuing this path is worth it. I wonder if it is possible to get it back, and if it isn't what is the point of putting all this time, money and energy into serving the spirits and studying the craft? Should I leave this path, abandone the earliest part of my identity, my community and culture? Is it worth it to keep going?

At the same time, both the spirits and my soul seem to be pulling me to get a full initiation and become a priest. I have always known since I was a child that at some point in my life I would become a priest, that was my fate. But now, I wonder if this hardship is meant to pull me towards that, if I must make that leap to get back what I have lost. Maybe as just a simple rootworker and witch, I don't have the power to take it back, but if I was a priest or saw a priest there would be enough power to return my happiness to me again. I plan on meeting with a priest soon, asking for his help to get it, and to maybe see if I am meant to become one soon. A mentor of mine has propheseid that I will become one sooner than later, but again I don't know if it is worth it anymore.

So that is my crossroads, I am torn between giving up, leaving the thing that has been the core of who I am for my entire life, or making the step to become the person I have seen myself becoming since early childhood. Both options are so extreme and life changing, nothing will ever be the same. Will I ever get to be happy either way?