Neko

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Do you ever think about death?

I have wrestled with dying and death most my life. As a kid in elementary school I used to pray to die, just to make my life be over. There were countless nights where I prayed for this end.

Some nights a bone lady in a black clock would appear in the doorway of me and my sibling's room. She would watch us, I was scared of her. I could never see her face only her cloak and her bone hands. I would hide myself and pray she go away. As an adult I learned this woman was in fact death herself, La Santisima Muerte. She came for me many nights, she never took me. She became my guardian and protector and I came to love her.

I had always thought or even hoped that I would die young, that this life would end I would have peace or get to start a new better life over. I now am at this place, where I know I will live, and to continue my spiritual path, I have to choose to live or I will be stuck.

I don't know how to choose life. I don't know how to want to be alive. The hard choices, the suffering, the fact that nothing in my life is the way I want it to be. How do I choose to live when the life I have is one I don't want?

So yeah, I do think about death.